Out of My Head


A young boy laying on his bed with his head on his handsI could talk and talk and talk until I’m blue in the face, but you will never, ever know how it feels to be me right now.  It’s like my whole world just… just… just…

I’m sorry.  Look, I’m sorry.  I can’t get it into my head, and I can’t get it out of my head either.  My god… My dad?  My dad.  My dad has always been my hero, ya’ know?  He’s always been the man I wanted to be.  But now?  Now, well… He’s not even really a man anymore, is he?

What?  No, um…  No, he hasn’t had any surgery.  Like, all his parts are still, ya’ know… there, and stuff.  Jesus Christ, I don’t even–

I’m sorry, Mr. Brighton.  I’m sorry.  It’s just that, I don’t want it in my head is all.  And that’s not the worst thing.  I’ve never been like anti-gay or anything.  We always had a real open mind in our house.  I guess I know why, now, huh?  I guess I know why we did.  Because my dad’s been wearing my mom’s clothes!

Can I stand up?  I mean, is it okay if I stand up a bit?  I just feel like I can’t sit still for very long.  Nervous energy and stuff, ya’ know? Okay, cool.

I know they had to tell me sooner than later.  I couldn’t just keep thinking that the dresses in the back of the closet were my mom’s “fat clothes.”  I never even thought to look for pictures to see if she was ever even fat.  Seriously?  How stupid am I?

Plus, when my dad came out, he couldn’t really keep it from me now.  Right?

Mr. Brighton, my parents lied to me.  My parents have been lying to me and keeping secrets and, yeah, that makes me really freaking angry.  I just want to punch something, or–

What?  Oh, sorry.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to grab that.  I didn’t even realize– What is that anyway?  A paperweight?  Your kid make it for you?  Yeah.  Bet you’re his hero.  Bet he wants to grow up and be a counselor or a teacher or whatever, too, right?

Oh.  A fireman.  That’s good, too, I guess.

Huh?  Oh.  Right.  The thing is that I love my dad, but he’s ruining MY life.  He didn’t even think about the fact that he was messing with MY life, did he?  I feel like he’s being really selfish.  Really selfish.

He doesn’t have to live in high school, right?  He doesn’t have to come to Lacrosse practice and watch the guys prance around the field in front of me, ripping on me and mocking me, like my dad’s sexual identity rubbed off on me or something.

My dad’s not the one who has to shut down his Facebook page because he can’t log on without some nasty comment or pictures of men in dresses popping up all over his newsfeed!  I had to get a new cell phone, too.

He didn’t get a week of detention for clocking Randy Neilson because he called his dad a name that I can’t repeat right now, Mr. Brighton.  Did he?  He didn’t get dumped by HIS girlfriend, did he?

But I suppose he will.  I bet he will eventually.  My mom is awesome, but she’s not a saint or anything.  She’s definitely not a nun, and she’s not a lesbian.

…wow.  Whew.  I’m sorry, Mr. Brighton.  It’s just that I don’t really think talking to you is going to help me with this all that much, is it?

Is it going to bring my girlfriend back?  Is it going to make them stop?  I can accept my dad for who he is all I want… I’ll get there, anyway… but that doesn’t mean they will.  In fact, I’m pretty damn sure they won’t!

Sorry.

No.  No, thanks.  I’m not thirsty.  My face always just gets red when I’m angry.

Yeah, I’m mad.  I’m really ticked off!

At who?

At my dad, right?  At my dad because he lied and now he’s gone and he wants to be called a she.  I’m mad because the dad I’ve always known just isn’t there anymore!  He’s gone!  It’s not the same anymore.  It sucks and I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to be with him anymore.  I can’t fix this!

I’m mad at my friends for ditching out on me.  Like I had anything to do with it.  Like it’s contagious or something.  Or like, because my family is different that makes me a loser overnight.  That pisses me off!  Sorry, I just, you know, I would never do that to someone.  There’s kids in school with gay parents and they don’t get it this bad.  I mean, Caleb Hayworth has two moms and he gets it from the jerks but mostly people leave him alone.  And he’s actually pretty cool.

I’m the exact same person!  But now…

I’m mad at my mom, too, for not telling me.  For hiding it.  And because I know, I just know, that when he changes his “parts,” she’s gonna be done with him.  I guess they talked and stuff.   Because ya’ know, she’s not a lesbian or anything.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  She just isn’t.  And I’m not gay either.  I’m just scared.  I’m scared, okay?  My parents, well, they’re not supposed to be divorced.  They’re supposed to love each other forever.

…and transgender isn’t gay either.  Is it, Mr. Brighton?

I didn’t think so.  I mean, the only transgender dude I ever actually saw was that guy from “Rocky Horror Picture Show.”  Dr. Frankenfurter?  Yeah, the dude in the garters and stuff.  I don’t even want to think about my dad being like that.

Seriously.  No, I know that’s not what they’re all like.  Yeah, my dad told me that it’s not about sexy underwear.  I can’t believe we even had that talk.  But that’s what all the kids think. I know it.  I’ve seen the way they look at me, now.  I used to be pretty cool and like, overnight, I’m suddenly the biggest loser on campus.  It hurts, ya’ know.  It just-  sniff.  Sniff.  Eh hem.

No.  Sorry.  I’m okay.  I think.  I don’t know, actually…

Can I sit here?

Yeah, I’m sorry.  I was just thinking… Why couldn’t he just wait, Mr. Brighton?  Why couldn’t he just wait two more years, until I was out of high school at least?  And then I’d be at college and it would be so much easier.  People wouldn’t know me, or know him from before, when he actually was a him.  Why couldn’t he wait, at least, for me?  For me.

Yes.  No, I know you’re right.  No… I wouldn’t tell a gay person to stay in the closet.  I get it.  In my head, I get it.  But in my actual life, it’s not playing out so hot.  Everyone is just so, so stupid!  Stupid.

You don’t have to apologize, Mr. Brighton.  Seriously.  An assembly or something isn’t going to help or anything.  You can’t go and knock some sense into every single kid in here.

Yeah, I know there are a few kids who get it.  I know it.  I guess it’s just hard for me to get a grip on the fact that I have to go and make new friends, that my friends must be total douchebags… um, sorry… they must be real jerks to ditch me like this.  To turn on me like this.

No, it’s not like I’m getting beat up or anything.  It’s not like that.  I sometimes want to beat myself up, though, ya’ know.  Like maybe the pain on my body will make the pain in my head more legit.   Because inside my head… it’s really messed up right now.

No, I promise.  I promise I won’t do anything like that.  I just need… some time… I guess.  You can’t expect me to get a grip on all this in just a couple of weeks. Right?

I have to get to class, Mr. Brighton.

I’ll go to the group, I guess.  Tammi Whitemoore’s in it, right?  Her dad came out last year, didn’t he?  He’s gay, I guess.  She’s pretty cool.  I’ll try it, Mr. Brighton.   I’ll see you on Thursday after school, then.

It might be good not to feel so alone.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  A poet and fiction writer since she was a child, M. K. Bryce has always felt the power of the written word. After studying English Literature and creative writing at Western Michigan and Oakland Universities, she is now a freelance writer living outside of Detroit. She is published in various online magazines and is working on her first novel.

 

 

 

 


out-of-my-head

A young boy laying on his bed with his head on his handsI could talk and talk and talk until I’m blue in the face, but you will never, ever know how it feels to be me right now.  It’s like my whole world just… just… just…

I’m sorry.  Look, I’m sorry.  I can’t get it into my head, and I can’t get it out of my head either.  My god… My dad?  My dad.  My dad has always been my hero, ya’ know?  He’s always been the man I wanted to be.  But now?  Now, well… He’s not even really a man anymore, is he?

What?  No, um…  No, he hasn’t had any surgery.  Like, all his parts are still, ya’ know… there, and stuff.  Jesus Christ, I don’t even–

I’m sorry, Mr. Brighton.  I’m sorry.  It’s just that, I don’t want it in my head is all.  And that’s not the worst thing.  I’ve never been like anti-gay or anything.  We always had a real open mind in our house.  I guess I know why, now, huh?  I guess I know why we did.  Because my dad’s been wearing my mom’s clothes!

Can I stand up?  I mean, is it okay if I stand up a bit?  I just feel like I can’t sit still for very long.  Nervous energy and stuff, ya’ know? Okay, cool.

I know they had to tell me sooner than later.  I couldn’t just keep thinking that the dresses in the back of the closet were my mom’s “fat clothes.”  I never even thought to look for pictures to see if she was ever even fat.  Seriously?  How stupid am I?

Plus, when my dad came out, he couldn’t really keep it from me now.  Right?

Mr. Brighton, my parents lied to me.  My parents have been lying to me and keeping secrets and, yeah, that makes me really freaking angry.  I just want to punch something, or–

What?  Oh, sorry.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to grab that.  I didn’t even realize– What is that anyway?  A paperweight?  Your kid make it for you?  Yeah.  Bet you’re his hero.  Bet he wants to grow up and be a counselor or a teacher or whatever, too, right?

Oh.  A fireman.  That’s good, too, I guess.

Huh?  Oh.  Right.  The thing is that I love my dad, but he’s ruining MY life.  He didn’t even think about the fact that he was messing with MY life, did he?  I feel like he’s being really selfish.  Really selfish.

He doesn’t have to live in high school, right?  He doesn’t have to come to Lacrosse practice and watch the guys prance around the field in front of me, ripping on me and mocking me, like my dad’s sexual identity rubbed off on me or something.

My dad’s not the one who has to shut down his Facebook page because he can’t log on without some nasty comment or pictures of men in dresses popping up all over his newsfeed!  I had to get a new cell phone, too.

He didn’t get a week of detention for clocking Randy Neilson because he called his dad a name that I can’t repeat right now, Mr. Brighton.  Did he?  He didn’t get dumped by HIS girlfriend, did he?

But I suppose he will.  I bet he will eventually.  My mom is awesome, but she’s not a saint or anything.  She’s definitely not a nun, and she’s not a lesbian.

…wow.  Whew.  I’m sorry, Mr. Brighton.  It’s just that I don’t really think talking to you is going to help me with this all that much, is it?

Is it going to bring my girlfriend back?  Is it going to make them stop?  I can accept my dad for who he is all I want… I’ll get there, anyway… but that doesn’t mean they will.  In fact, I’m pretty damn sure they won’t!

Sorry.

No.  No, thanks.  I’m not thirsty.  My face always just gets red when I’m angry.

Yeah, I’m mad.  I’m really ticked off!

At who?

At my dad, right?  At my dad because he lied and now he’s gone and he wants to be called a she.  I’m mad because the dad I’ve always known just isn’t there anymore!  He’s gone!  It’s not the same anymore.  It sucks and I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to be with him anymore.  I can’t fix this!

I’m mad at my friends for ditching out on me.  Like I had anything to do with it.  Like it’s contagious or something.  Or like, because my family is different that makes me a loser overnight.  That pisses me off!  Sorry, I just, you know, I would never do that to someone.  There’s kids in school with gay parents and they don’t get it this bad.  I mean, Caleb Hayworth has two moms and he gets it from the jerks but mostly people leave him alone.  And he’s actually pretty cool.

I’m the exact same person!  But now…

I’m mad at my mom, too, for not telling me.  For hiding it.  And because I know, I just know, that when he changes his “parts,” she’s gonna be done with him.  I guess they talked and stuff.   Because ya’ know, she’s not a lesbian or anything.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  She just isn’t.  And I’m not gay either.  I’m just scared.  I’m scared, okay?  My parents, well, they’re not supposed to be divorced.  They’re supposed to love each other forever.

…and transgender isn’t gay either.  Is it, Mr. Brighton?

I didn’t think so.  I mean, the only transgender dude I ever actually saw was that guy from “Rocky Horror Picture Show.”  Dr. Frankenfurter?  Yeah, the dude in the garters and stuff.  I don’t even want to think about my dad being like that.

Seriously.  No, I know that’s not what they’re all like.  Yeah, my dad told me that it’s not about sexy underwear.  I can’t believe we even had that talk.  But that’s what all the kids think. I know it.  I’ve seen the way they look at me, now.  I used to be pretty cool and like, overnight, I’m suddenly the biggest loser on campus.  It hurts, ya’ know.  It just-  sniff.  Sniff.  Eh hem.

No.  Sorry.  I’m okay.  I think.  I don’t know, actually…

Can I sit here?

Yeah, I’m sorry.  I was just thinking… Why couldn’t he just wait, Mr. Brighton?  Why couldn’t he just wait two more years, until I was out of high school at least?  And then I’d be at college and it would be so much easier.  People wouldn’t know me, or know him from before, when he actually was a him.  Why couldn’t he wait, at least, for me?  For me.

Yes.  No, I know you’re right.  No… I wouldn’t tell a gay person to stay in the closet.  I get it.  In my head, I get it.  But in my actual life, it’s not playing out so hot.  Everyone is just so, so stupid!  Stupid.

You don’t have to apologize, Mr. Brighton.  Seriously.  An assembly or something isn’t going to help or anything.  You can’t go and knock some sense into every single kid in here.

Yeah, I know there are a few kids who get it.  I know it.  I guess it’s just hard for me to get a grip on the fact that I have to go and make new friends, that my friends must be total douchebags… um, sorry… they must be real jerks to ditch me like this.  To turn on me like this.

No, it’s not like I’m getting beat up or anything.  It’s not like that.  I sometimes want to beat myself up, though, ya’ know.  Like maybe the pain on my body will make the pain in my head more legit.   Because inside my head… it’s really messed up right now.

No, I promise.  I promise I won’t do anything like that.  I just need… some time… I guess.  You can’t expect me to get a grip on all this in just a couple of weeks. Right?

I have to get to class, Mr. Brighton.

I’ll go to the group, I guess.  Tammi Whitemoore’s in it, right?  Her dad came out last year, didn’t he?  He’s gay, I guess.  She’s pretty cool.  I’ll try it, Mr. Brighton.   I’ll see you on Thursday after school, then.

It might be good not to feel so alone.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  A poet and fiction writer since she was a child, M. K. Bryce has always felt the power of the written word. After studying English Literature and creative writing at Western Michigan and Oakland Universities, she is now a freelance writer living outside of Detroit. She is published in various online magazines and is working on her first novel.