When we last saw Tessa she made the decision to stick it out with Ryan, despite their relationship ultimately fated to die the painful death of a long distance relationship. She is still working for Dallas in her crystal store when she realizes that slinging crystal as her part time gig isn’t going to win her over to any college admissions coordinators. In an attempt to pad her college application, she signs over her soul to Jill Werner as her intern. Dallas’ feelings are bit bruised but Tessa thinks that this internship is her ticket to one of the colleges she’s interested in. Jill’s writing a book teaching babies how to “be babies,” making her the first person ever to market a book to a demographic that can’t even read yet, and she needs Tessa as her assistant. The job requires Tessa to mainly dole out six (never seven!) almonds and to ultimately get a five star review about Jill’s book from Opus, Jill and Noah’s infant son. Tessa takes the opposite route and writes a scathing review of the book, and realizes that ultimately she can learn more from Dallas’ kind heartedness than she ever could from Jill, even if being nice doesn’t exactly help get her into Columbia.
While Jill is busy making ridiculous demands to Tessa, Noah is laid up on his shrink’s couch where he comes to the conclusion that he doesn’t miss Carmen, but is actually in love with her. The therapist enlists George to help Noah get over Carmen but eventually, George realizes that this isn’t some weird phase and that Noah IS actually in love with Carmen. Noah announces to everyone (including Jill) that he wants a divorce and runs to confess his love to Carmen. Unfortunately, she doesn’t feel the same way and in the end, Noah’s advances are shut down by his housekeeper.
Dallas and George seem to be in a really good place until the night of George’s birthday dinner where Tessa gives George a blueprint of one of his first architectural designs. One of the rooms is listed as “Alex’s Studio” and that, combined with George accidentally leaving Dallas’ gift (a guitar) to him at the restaurant, causes Dallas to wallow in (a completely unnecessary) pit of insecurity. Taking a cue from newly divorced Jill Werner, she goes to drown her problems in a vat of carbs at the Ziti Zone. George recovers from his mistake though and shows up to save her from her pasta by singing R. Kelly’s “Bump and Grind,” clearly, the ultimate love ballad.
In the meantime, Tessa’s trying to prove to Dalia that she’s actually still cool, despite her only evidence being that she had a waffle for breakfast one night. (Because that is just soooo crazy!) Lisa convinces Tessa to go to Dalia’s party and she does, only to realize that, nope, she’s not really cool, but also that she’s kind of ok with that.
Noah shows up at Carmen’s house to confess his love (again) and is met with his therapist… who is the one Carmen is actually in love with. Noah leaves, disappointed, with a full mariachi band following after him. Since Jill kept the house, he’s taken Opus to a hotel where he thinks that, “Hey, I’ll just live here forever because money grows on treeeees!” but George shows up to talk some sense into him and offers him and Opus a place to stay. Noah’s demanding attitude begins to get under George’s skin and, under the advice of Dallas, decides he can no longer enable Noah. He knows it’s for the best and Noah eventually sublets an apartment for him and Opus to move into.
Dallas is convinced Dalia is a hoarder and forces her to throw all of her old toys away. Dalia tries everything possible to convince her mom that she really does need all of this stuff but Dallas stands her ground. Dalia is really having a hard time getting rid of all of these toys that remind her of her childhood but eventually realizes it’s something she needs to do.
In a weird subplot, Mr. Shay comes to Tessa for help on being more “hip” thinking that since she grew up in Manhattan it only made sense for her to be the one to teach him. Of course, this turns into a completely over the top disaster, as Mr. Shay’s life tends to do. Mrs. Shay finally just decides that she’ll work while Mr. Shay stays home.
With the season finale looming only a few weeks away, you have to wonder, are we going to see Ryan and Tessa break up? Think they’ll try to make it work long distance? Weekly episodes of Suburgatory air every Wednesday at 8:30p!
– Whitney Fay