How did things get this badly? How did she turn from a shy little girl into this self-loathing lump of flesh? She barely felt like she could be considered human.
Shawna thought back to herself at age twelve, when her parents got divorced and her father suddenly stopped coming around. She thought of when her mother couldn’t pay the bills and turned to drinking. Her mom would get drunk and then, even more upset than before. Her father had deserted them and the mere sight of Shawna would sometimes send her mother into a fury.
Her mother told her that she looked too much like her father and was probably just as worthless as him.
And Shawna believed it.
When she moved out, the cutting only got worse. She didn’t have to hide it from anyone at home anymore. She had first cut to deal with the waves of anger from her mother, but on her own she did it to deal with the hatred from herself.
The thought of her mother’s anger, her father’s neglect, and her place in the midst of these things made a monster swell inside Shawna.
Tears burned her eyes. She was less than ten minutes from Ty’s house and really didn’t want to start breaking down now.
She thought to herself, “God damn it, Shawna. Keep it together! This was supposed to be a good night. All your friends are going to be there, and you’re ruining this for all of them.”
She brought herself back, but rarely. She couldn’t bear the thought of ruining another night with her friends by locking herself in the bathroom or sneaking out to go home early, ignoring phone calls and texts asking where she was. She knew she worried them, but she figured it was better than her friends knowing the truth.
She stood outside the house, the sound of music wafting toward her from the backyard. She wiped what was left of the tears from her eyes.
Liz ran out the door and hugged Shawna as soon as she saw her. She said, “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!”
Liz tightened her hold.
Shawna returned the favor, saying, “Yeah, it’s been a while.”
She headed toward the house. All her friends were there, standing around in their bathing suits and holding beers.
Shawna prepared herself mentally to reject any invitation to swim. She’d had a feeling that on such a warm summer night that was what they’d planned to do, so she pointedly hadn’t brought her bathing suit.
Liz grabbed her a beer and pulled Shawna onto the deck to sit down.
Shawna didn’t like drinking much because of her mother’s problems. When and if she drank, she barely had any. She would sip it slowly while watching everyone else get wasted.
She didn’t mind that her friends drank. At least they just got more talkative; none of them seemed to get angrier. Although she knew from experience that that could change.
She held the bottle without taking so much as a sip as Liz spoke.
“I’ve had the greatest day,” Liz said. “And I am so excited you’re finally here!”
She could tell Liz was a bit drunk by her rosy red cheeks and the smile permanently stuck on her face.
Shawna responded to Liz by hugging her.
“Are you ready to swim?” Liz said, “It’s been so damn hot today, I couldn’t resist!”
“Oh shit,” Shawna said. She was ready for this one. “I didn’t bring my bathing suit. Maybe another time?”
“No worries, Ty’s sister has one she was offering up earlier. I think she might actually be the same size as you.”
Shawna felt her stomach drop. All the times she’d refused to swim, it’d never been an issue. No one had ever had an extra suit when she’d been out with them. Any time Liz invited her to the public pool, she came up with some excuse about being sick or having to go to work.
She could only barely get out the words, “I wouldn’t want to inconvenience his sister. It’s okay. I’ll just sit here and talk to people.”
Liz giggled. “You’re so silly. Come on, she offered it. Let me go find her.”
With that, Liz was off to find Ty’s sister.
Shawna panicked. She had considered that Liz might find out about her ‘battle wounds’ but she didn’t think it’d be in a situation like this. She was always careful to wear pants and long sleeve shirts: everyone just thought that was her style and no one commented on it except to say, “How can you stand to wear those? It’s scorching out here!”
Suddenly the hot air began to feel oppressive.
Shawna ran past Liz to the bathroom. She locked herself inside and began to bawl.
She looked in the mirror. She thought, If I hadn’t been so damn stupid in the first place, I wouldn’t have to worry about hiding my skin! If only I could live a normal life and not have to wake up every day to see my monster’s scars all over my body.
She felt that she couldn’t ever expect anyone to love her now that her outsides to reflect her insides: ruined and ugly.
Someone knocked at the door.
It was Liz. “Shawna? I have the bathing suit.”
Silence.
Liz said, “Are you okay, girl? What’s wrong?”
Shawna pushed the lump in her throat back down. She managed to get out the words, “Nothing. Give me a minute?”
“Shawna, babe, you’re worrying me. Can you just let me in?”
Shawna murmured, “It’s nothing. Just please.”
Liz knocked on the door, harder, louder.
Was she trying to draw attention? She couldn’t have everyone knowing what was wrong.
Shawna took a deep breath, despite the tears. She wiped her face with a piece of toilet paper and opened the door.
Liz pushed in and shut the door behind her.
“You’ve been really off the past half hour. Just what the hell is going on? You’re my best friend, and I love you. I’ve never seen you this upset before.”
She had never wanted Liz to see her this way.
“This is me, Liz. This is little pathetic me. Please go, I don’t want you to see this.”
Shawna was losing control. She felt the monster taking over. She reached into her pocket to pull out her trusty razor and bring it to her skin.
Liz grabbed the razor. “What the hell are you doing?”
Shawna whimpered. She whispered, “This is what I’ve never told you, Liz. This is the pathetic side of me you’ve never seen.”
Shawna pulled up the sleeve on her left arm. On her skin were paler lines, scars fresh and old, up and down the inside of her wrist.
Liz gasped. She grabbed Shawna’s hands and said, “Shawna? I will not let you do this.”
“This is just who I am.”
“No, hun, it’s not. I can help you. I know how you feel.”
“Why would anyone want to help someone like me?”
Liz sighed, then spoke to her. “Shawna, do you know why we moved away when I was younger?”
Shawna shook her head.
“I tried to kill myself,” Liz said, her voice soft. “I overdosed on pills I’d found in the bathroom. Because… even at that age, I didn’t want to live.”
Shawna bit her lip. “I never knew.”
“I never told you. It’s okay.” Liz said, “My parents, they took me away to live with our relatives out in California, on the coast. They thought the warm weather and beautiful surroundings would help me.”
Shawna looked up at her, “I don’t understand. Did it help? How are you so happy now?”
“It didn’t help. And…” Liz sighed. “And sometimes I’ll still not happy. The thing is, I found help there. A support group, people who could help me. I moved back here when I was finally ready to. How do you think I met all of the people here at this party?”
Shawna had no idea.
Liz laughed gently. “We go to the same group for troubled youth. I know it sounds sappy and too good to be true, but they have helped me so much. I don’t want to die anymore. I know that life is worth living because of people like them. And because of people like you, Shawna.”
Shawna finally felt the tears stop flowing. She could not believe what she was hearing. Shawna thought Liz just volunteered to help at the youth center because she was such a caring person.
Even wonderful, always-happy Liz had problems?
“Shawna, we don’t have to swim,” Liz said. “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. But I am throwing this razor away, and I want you to come to group meetings with me.”
Shawna nodded. It was all she could do. Her throat was so tight from the tears.
Liz said, “I love you so much! I know you can get better with me. We have been through so much together, girl, and you haven’t given up on me. We didn’t see each other for five years and when I came back, but you were still my friend.”
She threw the razor into the nearby trashcan and hugged Shawna.
Shawna started crying again and hugged her friend back. This time they were tears of joy.
She didn’t feel like hurting herself anymore. Her thoughts still pained her but, for once in her life, she felt hope.
She had never thought that anything could stop the monster, especially not love. She was so glad to be wrong.