Dear Jessi,
Hey, sis.
You’re probably wondering why I wrote this letter, when I could just tell you in person. The truth is, a lot can change in ten years.
When you’re reading this, I’ll probably be busy with work and kids or something. Sorry for that. But there’s a few things I wish I knew when I turned thirteen.
Yesterday was your third birthday. We had a party. After things settled down and mom put you to bed, I was sitting around reading ForeverTeen Magazine.
According to that magazine… I’ll never be desirable.
Thinking about what those editors and writers were pushing, it made me realize just how damaging all the impossible standards and harsh judgments can be.
That’s why I decided to write you a note, to be given to you on your thirteenth birthday if I can’t be around to tell you myself. I tried hard to write the best I can. I really hope you like it.
So.
According to what some people believe, I’m fat. It gets a lot worse if you compare me to the standards held for models and actresses and such. Because by those standards I’m, like, a whale or something—which, that type of mindset, is one thing I really hope changes by the time you read this.
Among my ‘undesirable traits’ is my muffin top. If that wasn’t already bad enough, from the comments I hear at school you’d think that my clearly visible flabby arm fat and second chin are, like, illegal or something.
Having any sort of fat on the body or a face that isn’t beautiful just doesn’t fly with a lot of guys these days. The idea that only pretty girls are datable even rubs off on otherwise the decent guys I know. At least some of the good ones don’t care how a girl looks if they like her.
It’s sad how guys these days only pay any attention to pretty girls with long shimmering hair and picture perfect body. Whether they have a nice personality or not usually isn’t the biggest concern, but after the inevitable break up, it so will be.
It’s a shame how many guys miss out on nice girls who have a few extra pounds, glasses, braces, acne, or all of the above or anything else deemed ‘less desirable’. I have so many otherwise nice guys ignore me because they, for some reason, believe they need to be dating a girl their friends approve of (usually a ‘hottie’). They are often too worried about being embarrassed. It’s their loss.
But the girl ends up paying the higher price, due to the cost of low self-esteem and all.
Don’t get me wrong. Girls can be just as bad. There are, like, so few girls who are actually interested in the friendly, cuddly heavyset boy who’d treat them like a queen if given a chance. And there are a few nerds I know that can be surprisingly romantic. I mean, with no sports to worry about and such, these brainy types probably have more free time to hang out and take you out on dates, and without other girls chasing them, you don’t have to worry so much about someone stealing them away (which does happen).
Remember this, Jessi; some of the nicest guys are the ones who dream about having the chance to make a girl happy.
Anyways, I’m sorry for ranting or whatever, but let me say something that has bothered me for a while.
Those standards I mentioned earlier? They are, like, so not real. They are also pretty much out of the question if you don’t naturally have a slim figure or maybe eat less than a few crackers a day and work out all the time—which, if I remember health class, isn’t a balanced diet.
But wait a minute!
Don’t people say that girls who are pretty and have nice bodies have like an eating disorder? Or that they’re shallow and dumb?
Yeah, people judge these girls, too. They judge them for being too skinny.
So, if the ideal image is unhealthy-thin, yet too thin is such a bad thing, then beauty and desirability is a myth. There’s no way to be anything without it being wrong! It’s just one of the really sucky things about our culture.
My solution is to not only be yourself but don’t worry about what everybody else thinks.
I’m not giving you permission to stop showering or quit doing your hair in the morning, because that’s just gross. Plus, you should do those sorts of things for yourselves more than anything.
What I’m trying to say, though, is that most people don’t notice those minor blemishes or that your that hair doesn’t look perfect that day. Many things that have you obsessively staring at the mirror over are things that bother YOU. They bother you because you care about and respect yourself, which leads to my next point:
Love yourself.
Love who you are, and be who you are. Yeah, it’s easier said than done, but once you stop worrying about what others think and realize your good qualities, things always seem to get better.
It might sound weird, but sometimes the only thing wrong with you is that you think something’s wrong. Even if others don’t realize that exactly, they can tell something’s up. It changes how they see you. So, accept yourself, know what makes you beautiful, and remember that most everybody else out there struggles to fit into square holes when actually we’re all round.
Just think of all these judgmental ideas and fairytale expectations as a car or something. The negative self-image and low self-esteem are like a junky old truck. All those unreachable expectations are the gasoline (if you’re still using that kind of fuel in the future… if not, just ask mom. She’ll explain!)
Anyway.
Once you stop filling up the tank, the fuel runs out and you can scrap the old rust bucket and start driving that shiny new car that has sat in the garage in perfect conditions all these years. Just fill the new car up with everything that’s good about you and enjoy the smooth ride!
Remember that whatever it is, no matter what anyone thinks, you hold the fuel nozzle. You are the only person ever to have that kind of control of your car. Cool right, and simple, huh?
Anyways, I hope I explained this well. I promise that I’m trying my hardest always to be a good big sis. If all goes well, I’ll tell you all of this right there in person. But just in case I can’t ,and you are reading this, I really hope this helps.
Remember that you are beautiful as long as you truly believe it.
With Love,
your big sis,
Becca