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I don’t care what my mom says: everyone experiments with drugs at some time in their life.  She’s done it and I know it. I read somewhere that a parent who uses drugs is more likely to give birth to a child who will be drug addicted. I wish she would stop lying to me.

Maybe if she would actually be open with me, I wouldn’t be in this situation.  Instead, she’s always gone.

“The single mother life is hard, Steph,” she’s always saying, one foot out the door.

Oh, yeah? Well, the single daughter life is just as hard.  My mom has no idea what it is like to live in that big house all alone. How can anyone blame me for needing to find “an outlet”?

Besides, Tanner was my crush since middle school and there was NO WAY I was going to turn down an invite to his Halloween party, no matter what rumors I had heard about his bashes.

My best friend, JayCee, said I should’ve seen the look on my face when he approached me: redder than a beet. Who wouldn’t blush with a sandy haired, smoky-eyed hottie talking your way?

She looked hurt when I told her I was going.  She and I always used to give out candy together and stay up watching whatever horror movies were showing.  I tried to make like it was no big deal, that we could still hang out… But I didn’t mean it.

This was my opportunity to hang with the people I had always wanted to.

Later that day, Melissa messaged me on Facebook. I had wanted to her friend for years, but she had hardly said two words to me even when we were in the same class together.

She told me she was going costume shopping for Tanner’s party in a few hours and demanded that I come. There was no need to ask my never-there mom; she wouldn’t know the difference anyway.

I joined Melissa down to the mall (“Call me Liss,” she said!) to learn how to climb into my new “it-girl” status.  She stole make-up for me and showed me how to put it on in the public bathroom. In turn, I bought her outfit. She was going as a Sex Kitten and I opted for the Red-Hot She-Devil.

On Friday, I couldn’t wait for the last bell to ring, so I ditched class instead.  Home extra early so I could make sure I looked perfect for the party, I knew this was my chance.

As I was pulling on the flouncy red and black skirt of my costume, I felt sort of bad ignoring JayCee’s calls.

I made up my mind though, and turned off the ringer.  I couldn’t be caught hanging with her again though. Last year, she was Hillary Clinton for Halloween! Like, really?  Who does that?  I don’t think that was cool even when her husband was in office… back when were hardly out of pre-school!

When nine o’clock rolled around, Liss pulled up outside my house and honked the horn.

I grabbed my purse, thinking, God, she is so lucky her parents let her use their car!

I ran down the stairs, turned to say bye to my mom – and then remembered she wasn’t there. She never was.

Instead, I blew a kiss to the picture of us that hung in the hallway.

“Bye, Mom! I’m living my life without you.  And it’s the best!”

I hopped in the convertible Mustang and Liss pulled away, playing my favorite Nicki Minaj song. I turned to greet the others in the backseat, Jessica and LaRayia. Everyone was so glittered out.  It was like I was at prom.

When we finally made it to Tanner’s, Liss parked the car and pulled out a small plastic baggie.

She handed two tiny blue pills to each of us and said, “This is for starters.”

Then she turned to me.

“I know you’ve never done anything like this before, but this is what it takes. You’re going to have a night you’ll never forget.”

I’ve heard about the E-pill before but there was no hesitating.  My loyalty, to Liss and my newfound popularity, was being tested.

I popped the pill into my mouth, swallowed, and saw Liss smile.

We headed in, looking like four Halloween Goddesses.

Everything—and I mean everything–felt so amazing. The colors of the costumes were so vibrant I felt I could fall into them and roll around in a symphony of textures.  The music pumped through my blood, setting the rhythm of my heartbeat.

And if I was a Goddess, then Tanner was a God. Actually, I think his costume might’ve had something to do with that, Roman Emperor and all.

He offered me a drink and I couldn’t reject.  I felt so dehydrated! I downed the drink and went for another.  It was sweltering in there! Maybe it was from all the people dancing?  That had to be it.

I looked around for Liss and the girls, but couldn’t find anyone familiar.

“Looking for me?”

Tanner wrapped his warm, toned arms around my waist and I melted.

“Come on,” he said and, as though he were a vampire with me under his thrall, I followed his command without question.

We climbed into the Jacuzzi and things got hot in more ways than one.

We kissed for an eternity, which was fine by me.  All I could think was, “I’ve waited my whole life for this.  Now I’ve finally got it!”

That’s all I remember.

I woke up in the ER surrounded by concerned voices commanding someone to pump my stomach.

I wanted to know what happened but my lips were too slow and stupid to form words.  How did my dream turn into such a nightmare?

How?  Allow me to illuminate for you.

It turned out that I shouldn’t have mixed ecstasy with alcohol.  That punch?  Spiked.  Not only that, but I definitely shouldn’t have then crawled into a Jacuzzi.

Actually, I wasn’t supposed to take ecstasy period.

I knew I was hot but I didn’t think it through. My body had overheated. I had barely been saved from having my organs fried.

Where had Melissa gone? Why didn’t she tell me this? Why did she even want to hang out with me in the first place? It was all her fault.

No, it wasn’t Melissa’s fault.  She had tried to be a friend to me.  It was my mom’s fault.  Maybe if she had been there for me more, I would have known better.

Mom had no problem being there after the fact, her eyes drilling through me with disappointment.

She makes me sick.

Maybe…  Maybe it’s my fault.

I shouldn’t have rejected JayCee like that. She only meant well. Maybe I would’ve dragged her into the same predicament as me, though, and I wouldn’t have wanted that.  She was the only person beyond Mom to visit me in the hospital.

Now, I’m stuck here in this group home, because CPS said my mother couldn’t care for my needs properly. They got that right, but I still would rather be with her. Christmas is actually the one time that I get her undivided attention. She takes a short vacation from her career as a flight attendant to actually do fun things, like ice-skate and watch Home Alone. 

But nope, I’m here. All because of her.

All because of me.

All because of drugs.

If I felt isolated at home, it’s worse here spending the holidays with these emo girls. When I did get to go ice-skating, we had to leave early because some girl had a suicidal break down. It was just a cry for attention.  So annoying.

I can’t trust anyone in this house either. Like one time, I thought I was making a friend. When I told her I had some pot to share if she wanted to join me out back, she snitched on me for extra allowance.

Today, on Christmas, I have to wait until one in the afternoon for my mom to visit, which is stupid.  But I’m just happy seeing her even if the visit has to be on-site. I can’t leave the house, because I have a “tendency to bring in narcotics.”

Whatever. It’s not like I’m the only one. I just hope none of the other girls act out or do anything too embarrassing.

I know, from the way her eyes get watery, that it hurts my mom to see me like this. I bet she wishes she had been home more.

For my part, I wish I never tried ecstasy.

Since then my life has gone downhill. I’ve lost weight.  I have these dark circles under my eyes and, like, this craving deep in the pit of my stomach.  I need everything to feel that amazing again.

It doesn’t help that I’m here with other drug addicts.  Whenever they sneak in drugs, I can’t resist. I’d try anything to escape this hellhole the attendants tell me is reality.

When I’m not in trouble, I reflect. I think about home all the time. I wonder how my real friends. Who’s hooking up with who? Where would my first job have been? What’s the theme for prom?

I wonder about the people who mattered. Not Melissa, but JayCee. She was the one person that tried to stop me from taking the wrong turn. We were on track to go to college – I was such a dork. We would hold study sleepovers at each other’s house and see who would score higher on the upcoming test then treat the winner to ice cream.

I miss those days, those innocent days before I tried to fit in. Before I was sucked into this black hole.

I’m working my way out, but it’s a process with no light at the end of the tunnel yet. I have faith though – at least, on my good days I do.

I was so eager to move on to the new, better phase of my life that I didn’t really think of the possible outcomes. Now I am constantly thinking back to the night that changed my life. That Halloween night all I had been thinking was, “I’ve waited my whole life for this.  Now I’ve finally got it!”

Now, I’ve finally got it…