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Life has never been the same without the Alyssa I know. She was my best friend in the world and we shared everything with each other. Sure we had a few fights here and there, but who doesn’t? What I would give for just one more of our silly arguments and giggle filled make-ups.
Maybe I will go see her today, but I find that harder and harder each time I go. It’s a miracle she survived the accident but the brain damage took away every quality, quirk, and memory she had. Now Alyssa mind resembled that of a two year old. The doctors told us there is no hope that she will ever be the same as before.
Whenever I drive now I put my phone on silent. I don’t even have it on vibrate, because no message is more important than my life or mind. The doctors say she is lucky to be alive but I can’t help but wonder how lucky she is to have none of her memories and the mind of a toddler. It’s kinda funny in a way that when we first became friends back in the first grade our favorite thing to do was play with Barbie dolls and now over a decade later it once again is the activity of choice.
I love to see the joy on her face when we play and the small bits of her personality come out. Usually it’s no more than a twinkle in her eye or a few giggles at something I did or said, but it proves that the friend I always knew is still in there somewhere. Maybe only just a little, but still enough that I feel we have a subtle connection.
Now it’s time to play Barbies with her. As usual, I will be her friend and we will cook spaghetti and play in the park. It never deviates from that, yet it always seems to be fun.
We had a great time today and I was wrong with what I said before. Today we went swimming in her Barbie’s “pool”. The water magnified the Barbie’s legs and waist as they awkwardly splashed in the clear plastic bowl; I swear we did that at least once when we were kids. Her mom reminded me that those small moments of what seemed like progress, would happen often, but the chances of her ever being normal were remote. However, I will take two year old Alyssa over a dead one any day. As long as we have our play dates I will be thankful for her still being alive.
As I sit here by myself this Friday night, I still wish I could spend it with her as we used to, laughing and talking about boys. Wishing we were prettier and could get dates with the football players. But that won’t happen and even now that I’ve graduated from High School am able go on with my life, I just can’t leave. I don’t want to leave because Alyssa still clutches my heart. I promised Alyssa’s mom that I would take care of her, as she does, if needed. Even if her Mom became old or sick, I made a promise.
I guess I owe Alyssa that. She was replying to MY text when she had her accident. I know she would tell me not to blame myself, but that won’t stop me. She’s the best friend I’ve ever had and always will be.